Ever since I was young, I suffered from something called thanatophobia. Thanatophobia is a phobia of dying. It consumed my whole life. I was unable to do anything without thinking about dying, someone dying, or even someone that was passed. I lived with this for many years and began therapy at the age of eleven. I seemed to have trouble understanding what would happen to me after death and the phobia ruined me. When I was in grade nine and ten, I suffered from mental illness' that seemed to have taken over my life. I lost my friends and somehow in the mix of things, I began to lose myself. My life was a continuous cycle of forcing myself to wake up to go to school and drag myself class to class without having a breakdown in the middle of everything.
School was the exhausting part. I had no motivation and the thought of bringing myself around those people everyday; the people that talked about me everyday, was dreadful. I began to hate myself. My anxiety took over my life to the point where I couldn't be seen in public. Voices in my head told me how much the world hated me. They told me how worthless I was every second of the day. I questioned my life. Why am I alive? What do I have going for me? Nothing. I was nothing. I remember every minute of my life being in panic mode because nothing was every okay.
In grade ten, I began to hate the way I looked and felt the need to lose weight- maybe if I lost weight, people would like me more. I remember eating one meal a day and hating myself for allowing the smallest amount of calories into my body. I developed an eating disorder without realizing it. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia. I wanted to be as skinny as those other girls. I needed to lose weight.
That's when the panic attacks began. It truly feels like you're dying from some unknown reason and there's nothing you can do but lay there and wait until it passes. There's no way of stopping it when it starts. It's by far the scariest thing that I have ever experienced and I've dealt with them more times than I should have. I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression.
I began to fall behind dramatically with my academics and failed grade nine and ten math because I lost interest in trying in the subjects that I needed to put work into. I skipped more classes than I can count which in the long run, hurt myself more than anything else. Everyone had this idea that the reason I was skipping was simply because I was doing drugs. Rumours spread faster than butter on a hot pan in that school. In fact, I have never tried drugs in my life but somehow, everyone believed what they heard.
I truly hated myself. I had no friends, I wanted nothing to do with my family, and felt like my life was going no where. I stopped going to my hockey practices, my education was going downhill, my interest in anything was taken from me and I thought it would only get worse from there.
I had therapists and hospital visits for my mental illness' which nothing for me. I had nothing left to fight for. I remember laying in bed researching the easiest ways to die. The fastest and most painless ways.
I hurt myself in ways that will always stick with me however with my fear of dying, as many suicidal thoughts that may have occurred in my head, it just made everything worse.
I never thought I'd say this but one day, it all changed.
I remember this day like it was yesterday and I always will. My parents called me downstairs to the living room and sat me down.
"We're moving to Newfoundland."
It changed me forever.
The first few months, broke me. I missed my family and my so-called friends and was I was in shock for the longest time that I wasn't returning "home". Slowly, everything became easier. I walked into the High School and a boy shook my hand and said, "Welcome to Newfoundland". That's when I realized, I was welcomed. I was the new kid and the idea of no one knowing who I was, excited me. This time, I was going to do it the right way. This time, I'm going to like who I am. I found a family doctor right away and got to know her very well. I didn't hesitate to tell her my history and she found me one of the best therapists I've ever had. After a while, therapy just wasn't enough and we made the decision to put me on medication to regulate my anxiety. I began to gain weight and look healthy again. I didn't feel the need to "lose weight" to look good. I began to read the bible and learn about my religion to understand death. Eventually, I was able to accept the concept of death and dying without falling apart. I learned about yoga and meditation to help relieve my depression and anxiety. I gained friends at the school I went to and was welcomed to the school with open arms. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and somehow, I felt like a whole new person.
Today, I am a year out of High School after being the Vice President of Student Council, receiving a scholarship for "Respect from my Peers and Teachers", playing hockey on Team Newfoundland, and accepted into the Therapeutic Recreation program which will begin in May. I want to help others like me; who feel like they're only choice is to give up. I want to be their role model, their friend, and their reason to keep fighting.
I think moving gave me a new beginning and that's what I needed; to start over.
Sure, there are days that are harder than others. And I would probably have a lot of trouble if I were to stop taking my medication. But I'm fighting still and there's no way I'm going to give up now.
The reason I'm writing about my story is because some people give up earlier than they should and no one realizes how much better it can get until they've fought with every limb. Not giving up on my life back then, was the best thing I have ever done because I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.
If I didn't move, I'm not sure if I would still be here today and knowing that I pushed myself to keep fighting, is something I will forever be proud of myself for. I'm not saying it takes moving to a different province to be happy but maybe it takes changing your perspective on life. Anyone can find happiness, you just have to find your path.
